We get so used to the different seasons in our lives spiritually. For me, there's always those season where I strive after Godliness, those which I strive after His presence and those where I strive to do neither and don't really care either way. Often I find myself in a mix between them. I feel like I'm living as though I don't care but then, in the quiet moments, when I stop to think about it, all my desire to strive comes back to me. And I feel defeated.
I can't live up to what I want to strive to be. It's impossible. I am imperfect. I am not God, nor am I Jesus. I feel the desire to try but before I even start I know that I am incapable of being everything I want me to be, and frankly, that I'll never be what God wants me to be.
So I go into His presence, and sense my sin even more, and feel my guilt even keener. I wipe this all away by reminding myself of the promises of His word. Somehow He loves me. Somehow He's forgiven me. I have permission to come into His presence.
Stop.
Enough of this. It's time to cut to the chase.
So, maybe I come into God's presence. What do I do then? I strive to be Godly. I pray for His spirit, I ask Him to save the world, I try to talk about things relevant to Him. Do you think it'll get Him to like me? Am I doing this properly, so that He'll listen? Am I being religious enough? I've discovered the truth. I approach God's presence with an agenda. It is that I must become and strive to be. I never am already. I will never be perfect. I walk into prayer with the mind to wipe out these imperfections. But, what if I'm wrong? What if this wasn't the way things were supposed to be?
In my loneliness the past week I have found myself swept over in a peculiar sensation - loneliness for God. All of the sudden I don't want to go into God's presence and strive anymore. I don't want to ask for His presence in my life, or walk out an agenda in front of Him. I just want to be in His presence. I just want to walk with Him. I want to have Him as a friend. Not a judge, or anything else. I want a friend. I want to fellowship with Him. Just to be. With Him.
Why did God create man? Was it to exercise His own ego in practicing to be God over all of us - in control? A judge? Someone to be worshipped? Or, did He want to be a friend? To have a friend? Someone who have the capacity just to walk, and talk, and be with Him? Fellowship? Does God desire our company? No agenda, no relgious striving for perfection. Is it possible He just wants us?
It's so hard for me to describe all of these thoughts that have whelmed up within me. I know though that when it comes time for me to approach God now I don't want to do it in any sort of religious way. My prayer is "God, come spend some time with me. I want to spend some time with you."
Danaya
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Back to the Basics - Nichole
I spent a year with Lifeforce in 04/05.
Maybe not a full year. Actually, not even a half of a year. I won't get into details about it. I traveled across Canada with nine other people - one of them being Danaya. Since I was in high-school, my entire dream was to join Lifeforce. That might sound a little bit silly to you. Don't worry, looking back I'm forced to laugh at myself too. Lifeforce came to my school in 2000. I was in grade ten. Through this team of young people I dedicated my heart to Jesus. The first Bible verse I read was Isaiah 61. Ever since reading that chapter I've felt called to missions. To people. (Although this shouldn't be very surprising - I believe that all Christians are 'called' to the same thing.) More than anything, this chapter taught me about Christ, and more than that; who I should be aspiring to become.
I joined Lifeforce in 2004. Came home somewhere in March.
Then I began volunteering at the head office some time after that.
Why? Why would I do that?
Am I stuck on one idea and am not able to move forward?
I've been battling with these questions for over a year now.
Even while I'm working at the office - folding pamphlets, copying c.ds, stapling booklettes... I often (and quite guiltily) find myself wondering, 'What is the point of this all?" Evangelism. It's lost it's spark for me. I became quite cynical towards it - but still.. my heart remained sewn to the aymi ministry. (It really is a cult, you know. You'll never be able to escape it.)
People say all the time that attending programs like Street Invaders will 'change your life'. That after accepting Jesus 'my life was never the same again'. There was a point were all of this kind of stuff was real to me. I knew it in my heart because I had experienced it as well. Except now.. my focus has turned from outwards to inwards. How can I motivate the other Christians around me? How can I inspire growth in myself? Missions had kind of lost their initial zest.
There's a girl that comes into my pet store all the time.
She stays for hours on end. She walks around to every animal in the store and asks me if she can take it out. She's actually taken to pretending that she works at the store. If I'm cleaning out a tank, she'll ask if she can help. Of course, I say no - hoping that she will eventually get bored and leave. She'll wait around.. until I leave a mop bucket out and go to the back to grab more cleaning supplies. Before I know it, she is mopping the floors, giving customer's animal advice and passing out bunnies to all the little kids. I find it incredibly difficult to have patience with her.
This all changed when I became (semi) involved with our churches youth group and she happened to be part of it. Suddenly, that girl became my best friend. It was like, "Oh, you're a Christian? Well, that's awesome!' I felt so guilty for my behavior towards her in the beginning.
I look at my attitude now and am so disappointed with myself.
While my friend Pamela was attending Bible college at FGBC I met a girl named Jasmin.
I read her latest blog entry the other night and it turned out to be such a huge turning point for me. http://www.myspace.com/jasminwagner
She was going back to the basics.
' A missions trip for those of you, who have no clue, is where you are called to go out and minister to those who dont have Jesus Christ or dont know about him. This will bring you hope and love to fill that empty spot in your life with Jesus Christ. Thats what a mission trip is all about. God even changes your life while you are out doing his work. My life was changed significantly within just 10 days. I cannot look at a person now without wondering where they will be going when they die or do they have Jesus? Or wow I have Jesus and my life is great with him, that person may not have him...they are really missing out on such a life changing thing. I want them to feel how I feel because Jesus' love is for everyone and he has so much to offer and these people are missing it. They are missing out on the only thing they will ever need in life. WHY DONT PEOPLE WANT THIS? I dont understand. People try to fill the hole in there life with everything but Jesus, when it is Jesus they need. Not Material things, sex, guys, drugs, money, booze, partying and so on. These things get you no where and make you feel even emptier. They dont do anything. I have experienced it first hand and so has many other people. I just tried to fill the gap I had with all of these things which lead me to feeling the same way every day when all I needed to do was fill that gap with Jesus!'
Jesus does not look at the outward appearance, He looks at their hearts. There were so many people there with broken hearts and Jesus just wants them to know how much He loves them no matter how bad they smell or what they have or how dirty they are or what they have done wrong. He just wants them to feel His love so they wont have to be broken or hurting people anymore. They can be fulfilled and set free!! By having a relationship with Jesus and asking Him to come into their lives. It is only by the grace of God that I have a wonderful family that loves me. If it wasnt for Jesus love and mercy, I would be that hurting person searching for something more, looking for that something to fill the gap. I thank Him for that everyday. I thank God for such a close and loving family. I thank Him for the love He has shown me over my life. I know He will continue to show mercy and love towards me for the rest of my life. I just need to press into Him more. I know God has more in store for me, and that this is just the beginning.
Isn't this awesome?
After reading her entry (there's more to it than just this, by the way) I feel so refreshed.
It's nice to be seeing the big picture again rather than being caught in the little details.
---
Nichole
Maybe not a full year. Actually, not even a half of a year. I won't get into details about it. I traveled across Canada with nine other people - one of them being Danaya. Since I was in high-school, my entire dream was to join Lifeforce. That might sound a little bit silly to you. Don't worry, looking back I'm forced to laugh at myself too. Lifeforce came to my school in 2000. I was in grade ten. Through this team of young people I dedicated my heart to Jesus. The first Bible verse I read was Isaiah 61. Ever since reading that chapter I've felt called to missions. To people. (Although this shouldn't be very surprising - I believe that all Christians are 'called' to the same thing.) More than anything, this chapter taught me about Christ, and more than that; who I should be aspiring to become.
I joined Lifeforce in 2004. Came home somewhere in March.
Then I began volunteering at the head office some time after that.
Why? Why would I do that?
Am I stuck on one idea and am not able to move forward?
I've been battling with these questions for over a year now.
Even while I'm working at the office - folding pamphlets, copying c.ds, stapling booklettes... I often (and quite guiltily) find myself wondering, 'What is the point of this all?" Evangelism. It's lost it's spark for me. I became quite cynical towards it - but still.. my heart remained sewn to the aymi ministry. (It really is a cult, you know. You'll never be able to escape it.)
People say all the time that attending programs like Street Invaders will 'change your life'. That after accepting Jesus 'my life was never the same again'. There was a point were all of this kind of stuff was real to me. I knew it in my heart because I had experienced it as well. Except now.. my focus has turned from outwards to inwards. How can I motivate the other Christians around me? How can I inspire growth in myself? Missions had kind of lost their initial zest.
There's a girl that comes into my pet store all the time.
She stays for hours on end. She walks around to every animal in the store and asks me if she can take it out. She's actually taken to pretending that she works at the store. If I'm cleaning out a tank, she'll ask if she can help. Of course, I say no - hoping that she will eventually get bored and leave. She'll wait around.. until I leave a mop bucket out and go to the back to grab more cleaning supplies. Before I know it, she is mopping the floors, giving customer's animal advice and passing out bunnies to all the little kids. I find it incredibly difficult to have patience with her.
This all changed when I became (semi) involved with our churches youth group and she happened to be part of it. Suddenly, that girl became my best friend. It was like, "Oh, you're a Christian? Well, that's awesome!' I felt so guilty for my behavior towards her in the beginning.
I look at my attitude now and am so disappointed with myself.
While my friend Pamela was attending Bible college at FGBC I met a girl named Jasmin.
I read her latest blog entry the other night and it turned out to be such a huge turning point for me. http://www.myspace.com/jasminwagner
She was going back to the basics.
' A missions trip for those of you, who have no clue, is where you are called to go out and minister to those who dont have Jesus Christ or dont know about him. This will bring you hope and love to fill that empty spot in your life with Jesus Christ. Thats what a mission trip is all about. God even changes your life while you are out doing his work. My life was changed significantly within just 10 days. I cannot look at a person now without wondering where they will be going when they die or do they have Jesus? Or wow I have Jesus and my life is great with him, that person may not have him...they are really missing out on such a life changing thing. I want them to feel how I feel because Jesus' love is for everyone and he has so much to offer and these people are missing it. They are missing out on the only thing they will ever need in life. WHY DONT PEOPLE WANT THIS? I dont understand. People try to fill the hole in there life with everything but Jesus, when it is Jesus they need. Not Material things, sex, guys, drugs, money, booze, partying and so on. These things get you no where and make you feel even emptier. They dont do anything. I have experienced it first hand and so has many other people. I just tried to fill the gap I had with all of these things which lead me to feeling the same way every day when all I needed to do was fill that gap with Jesus!'
Jesus does not look at the outward appearance, He looks at their hearts. There were so many people there with broken hearts and Jesus just wants them to know how much He loves them no matter how bad they smell or what they have or how dirty they are or what they have done wrong. He just wants them to feel His love so they wont have to be broken or hurting people anymore. They can be fulfilled and set free!! By having a relationship with Jesus and asking Him to come into their lives. It is only by the grace of God that I have a wonderful family that loves me. If it wasnt for Jesus love and mercy, I would be that hurting person searching for something more, looking for that something to fill the gap. I thank Him for that everyday. I thank God for such a close and loving family. I thank Him for the love He has shown me over my life. I know He will continue to show mercy and love towards me for the rest of my life. I just need to press into Him more. I know God has more in store for me, and that this is just the beginning.
Isn't this awesome?
After reading her entry (there's more to it than just this, by the way) I feel so refreshed.
It's nice to be seeing the big picture again rather than being caught in the little details.
---
Nichole
Kitten in my Path - Danaya
While walking tonight I came upon a strange creature in my path. There, not 5 feet ahead of me was a little tabby kitten. I stopped and turned off my music. Bending down I called the kitty, trying to make myself look friendly to it. The kitten had obviously come from a domestic home. Very tentatively it trotted towards me; but it didn't come to me. Instead it weaved back and forth in and away from me. It was like it couldn't make up it's mind about whether it should come the final foot or not. I reached out my hand to the side of me, where the cat now was. It made a quick decision. Darting in, it quickly sniffed my hand, rubbed its head on it, and then darted away. That was it. I stood there and watched the cat cross the road and start to walk up the hill. I crossed the road too and tried to call it back to me. This time it ignored me though and disappeared in the tall grass.
As I stood there my heart broke for the little kitty. Seriously. I think, sometimes, cats seem more human to me than people do. I could only see that kitten, such a small animal to survive in such a big world, walking away from a life of provision and love to the merciless unknown. I knew what awaited it, even if it did not. More than likely it would get hit by a car very soon, and thus end it's short life. If not that, then it could very well starve to life or get dehydrated. Even if it survived it's life would not be easy. It would go from being an innocent kitten to a wild and vicious alley cat. It would rather choose a life of seeming freedom, that only promises captivity to circumstances in exchange of a captivity that will grant it freedom within the realms of its safety.
So I stood there and my heart broke for a kitten that was turning its back on me and walking away from the life where it could be loved. And, as I stood there and contemplated how deeply and tragically I felt this sorrow I heard God whisper to my heart, "Now, imagine that being a person. How do you think I'd feel?"
100x. stronger. I don't see how His heart could stay together.
As I stood there my heart broke for the little kitty. Seriously. I think, sometimes, cats seem more human to me than people do. I could only see that kitten, such a small animal to survive in such a big world, walking away from a life of provision and love to the merciless unknown. I knew what awaited it, even if it did not. More than likely it would get hit by a car very soon, and thus end it's short life. If not that, then it could very well starve to life or get dehydrated. Even if it survived it's life would not be easy. It would go from being an innocent kitten to a wild and vicious alley cat. It would rather choose a life of seeming freedom, that only promises captivity to circumstances in exchange of a captivity that will grant it freedom within the realms of its safety.
So I stood there and my heart broke for a kitten that was turning its back on me and walking away from the life where it could be loved. And, as I stood there and contemplated how deeply and tragically I felt this sorrow I heard God whisper to my heart, "Now, imagine that being a person. How do you think I'd feel?"
100x. stronger. I don't see how His heart could stay together.
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