Into Your Presence - Danaya

We get so used to the different seasons in our lives spiritually. For me, there's always those season where I strive after Godliness, those which I strive after His presence and those where I strive to do neither and don't really care either way. Often I find myself in a mix between them. I feel like I'm living as though I don't care but then, in the quiet moments, when I stop to think about it, all my desire to strive comes back to me. And I feel defeated.

I can't live up to what I want to strive to be. It's impossible. I am imperfect. I am not God, nor am I Jesus. I feel the desire to try but before I even start I know that I am incapable of being everything I want me to be, and frankly, that I'll never be what God wants me to be.

So I go into His presence, and sense my sin even more, and feel my guilt even keener. I wipe this all away by reminding myself of the promises of His word. Somehow He loves me. Somehow He's forgiven me. I have permission to come into His presence.

Stop.

Enough of this. It's time to cut to the chase.

So, maybe I come into God's presence. What do I do then? I strive to be Godly. I pray for His spirit, I ask Him to save the world, I try to talk about things relevant to Him. Do you think it'll get Him to like me? Am I doing this properly, so that He'll listen? Am I being religious enough? I've discovered the truth. I approach God's presence with an agenda. It is that I must become and strive to be. I never am already. I will never be perfect. I walk into prayer with the mind to wipe out these imperfections. But, what if I'm wrong? What if this wasn't the way things were supposed to be?

In my loneliness the past week I have found myself swept over in a peculiar sensation - loneliness for God. All of the sudden I don't want to go into God's presence and strive anymore. I don't want to ask for His presence in my life, or walk out an agenda in front of Him. I just want to be in His presence. I just want to walk with Him. I want to have Him as a friend. Not a judge, or anything else. I want a friend. I want to fellowship with Him. Just to be. With Him.

Why did God create man? Was it to exercise His own ego in practicing to be God over all of us - in control? A judge? Someone to be worshipped? Or, did He want to be a friend? To have a friend? Someone who have the capacity just to walk, and talk, and be with Him? Fellowship? Does God desire our company? No agenda, no relgious striving for perfection. Is it possible He just wants us?

It's so hard for me to describe all of these thoughts that have whelmed up within me. I know though that when it comes time for me to approach God now I don't want to do it in any sort of religious way. My prayer is "God, come spend some time with me. I want to spend some time with you."

Danaya